Who Gives a Damn?

Today’s Dickheads…

2010-06-17T11:23:00.001+10:00

1. Craig Bellamy – No explanation required.

2. Mal Brown – For referring to Aborigines’ as “cannibals” and claiming it was all in good fun!

3. Senator Steve Fielding – For suggesting women will fall pregnant and have abortions late in the pregnancy just to get a couple of months paid parental leave.

Thank you gentlemen for making me feel like a Rhodes Scholar!

Neutered?

2010-04-08T12:20:00.002+10:00

Jed was watching the Simpsons (I know... good mothering) and heard the word "neutered". The conversation went something like this.

Jed: Neutered? Is that where they cut off your rude bits?

Me: The penis stays, the balls get cut off.

Jed: I wouldn't be able to wee.

Me: Are you listening? The penis stays, the balls go.

Jed: BUT I LIKE PLAYING WITH MY BALLS!

Me: I know mate. But don't worry, it's not likely you will ever be neutered!

Make me feel like a criminal

2009-12-22T16:26:00.002+11:00

7.00am Saturday driving along Newbridge Road taking Jed to tee-ball... I get the quick burst of siren... look in my rear vision mirror and see the red and blue flashing lights. Now given, I'm not the brightest crayon in the box, I think I'll get out of his way so he can get to who he is upset with. So I move one lane left...so does he. Shit...he's after me. I pull over. He pulls up behind me... takes a good 5 mins for him to get out of his car and approach me.

Cop: Can I see your licence please madam.

Me: hands over licence

Cop: Checks my licence, wanders round the front of the car and checks my rego.

Me: shitting myself cause I still don't know why I've been pulled over.

Cop: Was there some emergency reason you needed to be on the phone?

Me: trying to work out what he is talking about... the penny finally drops... he thinks I was on the mobile. I didn't, I wasn't, I wouldn't, I don't.

Cop: Can you please explain to me why your hand was near your face.

Me: I am drinking a coffee.

Cop: Had anything to drink this morning?

Me: Just my coffee. No, I haven't.

Cop: Count to 10 shoving breatho in my face

Me: 1... 2... 3... 4... 5.... 6.... BEEEEEEEEP

Cop: Okay. No alcohol. The car you were travelling behind, you were too close to. Are you aware of the 2 second rule....explains 2 second rule. I see you have the youngster in the back. I suggest you drive carefully.

Me: Thank you Sir. Merry Christmas

The bastard didn't crack a smile at all... he was filthy he couldn't fine me for something!

My new favourite pastime

2009-11-10T15:54:00.000+11:00

Oh, I found my favourite thing in the world to do yesterday... threaten young boys with physical violence. I was walking back to my car in the car park and there's 2 boys (about 10 years old) with their hands cupped looking into my car....

Me: Don't touch my car

Boy 1: walking away.... "mumble, mumble..."

Me: If it doesn't belong to you, don't touch it.

So I put Jed in the car, got in the car myself and looked over at the boys. Boy 1 gives me the finger... so I got out of my car and started charging at them. They took off like a rocket. I felt strong. I felt powerful! I don't know what I would have done if they had've stood their ground... you can't go round beating up 10 year olds!

A joke made up by a 6-year-old

2009-08-18T16:47:00.002+10:00

Last night Jed made up a joke…

Q: What has 4 legs and can swim?

A: A donkey wearing a hat.

Who the hell am I to argue with that???

She's her father's daughter

2009-06-25T12:38:00.002+10:00

Yesterday Grace had her athletics carnival. Here’s her results…

Under 8’s Shot Put – 1st
Under 8’s Discus – 1st
Under 8’s 100m – 3rd
Under 8’s 200m – 3rd

She was too busy eating lunch to bother with the 800m.

What can I say… I’m so proud!!!!

What's this hole for?

2009-06-24T12:40:00.001+10:00

This morning Jed popped his penis out of his pyjama fly. He thought he was so funny, laughing at himself... After he put it away

Me: That's what it's there for.

Jed: What?

Me: The hole. So you can go to the toilet.

Jed: I need to go to the toilet.

Me: You just want to use the hole!

Jed: No. For real. I need to go.

So off he trots to the toilet. I go into the bathroom (separate rooms) and he comes in to wash his hands...

Me: Did you use your hole?

Jed: Yep. It just sat there... I didn't even need to hold it... oh, that means I don't need to wash my hands

turns to leave bathroom...

Me: I don't care... you'll wash your hands anyway!

Jed's First Footy Game

2009-03-07T16:50:00.004+11:00

I'm no cinematographer.

Jed's number 6...

Presentation Day

2008-12-10T15:35:00.002+11:00

We had "Presentation Day" at the kids school yesterday... and to make a short story as long as humanly possible....

The kids have an award programme at school... Jed has enough Merit Certificates for his Gold award (he's already got his bronze and silver)... and Grace has enough for her Silver Award... so we handed Jed's in a couple of weeks ago and Grace's last week.

On Friday I got the kids school reports (and I'm impressed) but Jed had a generic letter stapled to the front of his saying "your child will be recognised at the Presentation Day"... blah, blah... Okay so Jed's getting his Gold Award. There was nothing attached to Grace's and i figured we'd handed the Merits in too late and was living in hope she'd get it at the Presentation Day as well.

So I arranged to change my day off so I could go to the presentation day. I'm so glad I did... it was lovely. Grace is in the choir and they sang "Lollipop"... then the class awards came.

Each teacher gets 4 awards to award to students in their class. Every class seemed to have "academic achievement" and "most improved" but the other two varied with each class. They started with Kindergarten and Jed's teacher gets up and gives out three of the awards and on the fourth says... "for excellence in mathematics.... Jed"... I was so surprised and a mother next to me said "didn't you know?"... I said "no I got a letter that he'd be recognised but I thought that was his gold award"... she said "no they'll be given out at the assembly next Monday"... so now I know Grace is getting nothing!

So we go thru 1st class...

Then we get to second class... Grace's teacher gets up and gives out the first three awards and on the fourth... "to the girl who always gives me 100%.... Grace". The award actually reads "for consistent effort".

What can I say... I was so proud I could have exploded!

Then kindergarten does a dance (to Dancing Queen)... I had kids standing in front to me so I moved down the front to the side. All of kindergarten are facing the front doing their dance and Jed sees me at the side... turns 90 degrees and dances for his mum... stuff the rest of the crowd... i'm dancing for my mum! It was so cute!

I can spell...

2008-12-05T11:45:00.000+11:00

Jed: I know how to spell white

Me: Go on then...

Jed: Silence W...

Me: ummmm, no.

Jed: (with bottom lip quivering) yes, it's silence W...

Me: What are you spelling?

Jed: White!

Me: White as in the colour?

Jed: No!!!! White!!! as in to white a word!

My Tough Boy

2008-09-25T13:50:00.001+10:00

Last night Michael and Jed were at indoor cricket and I had an hour to kill before collecting Grace from Girls Brigade so I decided to head to indoor cricket to watch a couple of overs.

When I got to the centre Jed was enclosed in one pitch with a couple of other kids playing touch footy. When I had to leave to collect Grace, Michael asked me to take Jed home too.

So I said to Jed “let’s go and get Grace”.

First his bottom lip dropped, then the tears welled up in his eyes “I want to stay here and play footy” then much sobbing.

I told him I’d come back and get him after I’d collected Grace. Michael said “don’t worry, I’ll bring him home”

So I collect Grace and go home. When Michael and Jed eventually arrived…

Michael: Jed, is your leg okay?

Jed: Yeah!

Me: What happened?

Michael: Jed was standing near the stumps and he got hit with a fast moving indoor cricket ball.

Jed: I didn’t cry, Mum.

Me: Oh, so you get hit with a cricket ball and you stand tough… but I tell you we’ve got to go home and you cry like a big girl!

Jed: I did not! I cried like a boy!

Book Parade

2008-09-10T16:32:00.004+10:00

Last week the kids had book parade at school…

Juliette

Sir Jedalot

Who does more?

2008-09-03T13:11:00.000+10:00

Last night I got home from work and Michael was watching a movie so I started on dinner. About 15 minutes later Michael’s movie had finished and he came out to the kitchen and took over so I set the table.

At the dinner table…

Jed: Did you cook dinner mum?

Me: No, dad cooked dinner and I helped.

Jed: So dad did it all?

Grace: Jed, mum’s been at work all day!

Me: Thanks for sticking up for me, Grace.

Jed: But still, dad did all the hard work!

Grace: Mum’s not lazy, Jed! Every day she has to walk from her car to the train!

I must say… that 100 metres is a killer!

Put in my place by a 7 year old

2008-09-02T11:04:00.001+10:00

On the weekend Grace and I were watching Hannah Montana - now if you don't know about the show... it is about Miley Cyrus (by day) who puts on a wig and turns into pop star Hannah Montana (very superman secret identity stuff). Anyway, we're watching it and Grace points to Miley's father and says "that's Billy Ray Cyrus". I mumbled something about him being a one hit wonder... Grace's response?

He had 2 hits mum! Achy Breaky Heart and Real Gone (from Cars Movie)!

I hate being corrected by a 7 year old!

National Anthem or Hymn?

2008-08-19T16:04:00.001+10:00

Grace: Mum, what does "beneath our gradiant sunburnt cross mean?"

Me: It's actually "beneath our radiant Southern Cross". Do you know what the Southern Cross is?

Grace: Is that the one Jesus died on?

Happy Birthday Schmoo

2008-07-11T12:52:00.000+10:00

... and Grace is 7! Happy birthday my gorgeous girl.

Where does the time go?

2008-07-01T13:48:00.006+10:00

Jed's 5 today! Can you believe it? I just don't know where the last 5 years has gone.

Have a wonderful birthday, Babaganoosh!

Religous Debate

2008-06-24T15:15:00.002+10:00

Last night Grace didn't want to eat dinner... but kids can't just say that... instead she has to have a big ol' whinge about some completely unrelated matter just to divert attention from the fact that she's not eating her dinner. Anyway last night she's in tears...

Me: Oh honey, what's the matter?

Grace: You put me in the same scripture class as last year!!!!

Me: What???

Grace: You put me in the same scripture class as last year!!!!

It's half way through the friggin year... you think she would have noticed before the end of June!!!

Me: Yes?

Grace: I wanted to be in a different scripture class!

Me: Honey, you don't just change religion

okay you can... but mentioning that would just cause too many problems

Me: Do you still want to learn about God and Jesus?

Grace: Yes, I love reading the Bible. I love God and Jesus.

Me: If you change scripture classes you'll be learning about a different God.. and no Jesus.

Grace: Nah, think I'll stay where I am.

Me: Coming to have some dinner?

Grace: crying again.. I feel sick!

Personally, I’m waiting for the movie

2008-06-10T13:33:00.000+10:00

Grace: Mum, I was reading the dictionary and there are a lot of swear words under “S”.

Me: Yes well it is the dictionary, it has ALL words in there.

Jed: What? Even fucking hell?

Cruelty to Animals…

2008-06-04T12:46:00.002+10:00

My folks are on holidays in Canada at the moment and this morning I received a short text message from mum… “Been dog sledding”.

I immediately responded with … “Poor dogs. I am calling the RSPCA”.

(If you’ve never met my parents, I should point out that they are both large people.)

… and modest to boot

2008-06-04T12:46:00.001+10:00

Yesterday Jed was off school with slap-cheek and he spent the day helping his Dad with work.

At dinner we discussing his day and I asked if he help his Dad with the coffee making. His response… Everybody loves me!

Self Diagnosis

2008-06-04T12:45:00.000+10:00

After discussions over dinner about Jed’s day with his Dad, Grace must have been a little jealous. This morning I received a phone call from the school saying “Grace has come into the office and told us she has slap-cheek”…

I explained that she was bunging it on and to send her back to class!

Slap Cheek Virus

2008-06-02T16:06:00.001+10:00

Poor Jed has a case of Slap Cheek Virus...

It's a nasty red rash all over his face. Against my better judgement I sent him to school this morning (I would have got the "don't come Monday" if I had've called in sick) and they wouldn't even let the poor bugger into class and he's now off school for the rest of the week.

The poor kid will go stir crazy at home!

You can stop looking

2008-05-28T12:27:00.001+10:00

I found it, I found it, I found it!!!

It's called snapics....

Somebody help me out here…

2008-05-26T14:57:00.001+10:00

When I was a kid I had a toy that was a sturdy plastic grid with coloured plastic shapes that snapped into the grid to make 2 dimensional pictures.

Does anyone know what it is called? Racer? Dad? Anybody?

Checkered Language

2008-05-21T16:04:00.001+10:00

Jed was playing a race car computer game the other day and he didn’t manage to beat his competitor to the checkered flag…

Jed: Dick-ed

Michael: What was that?

Jed: Dick-ed

Michael: (still not sure) Sorry?

Jed: Diiiiiiick Heeeaaaad!

Michael: Where did you learn that language?

Jed: Mum says it in the car all the time!

Hey, give me break… at least it’s not “fucking arsehole” anymore!!!

It’s been a while…

2008-05-20T12:36:00.002+10:00

So here’s a little update…

Grace…

It happened a while ago but I should note it before I forget it… She’s been hating school since Year 2 and one day she decided to tell all of her class that she was leaving to move to Queensland and had all the kids sign her school uniform. 2 days later after much napisan and scrubbing, I managed to get the uniform clean and she had to tell her class that “mum and dad changed their mind and now we’re not moving”.

Jed…

I received a note from school a couple of weeks ago telling me Jed needs to go to speech pathology. He has a multitude of problems including a lisp, a slight stutter, no “r’s” (e.g. Gwace) and he can’t say “th”. I went to a parent education session last Tuesday and he starts his speech pathology sessions today. Now I just have to try to stop Grace from speaking for him so we can sort this problem out.

The Weekend…

On Saturday I could have happily crushed the kids fragile little skulls! Grace decided to frizbee a paint palette at Jed... the aim wasn't great and my car ended up being green and yellow and pink and purple... needless to say... I went off my tits! Both kids were forced into their rooms to clean up... I had just started to calm down and went into Jed's room to put something away... he was standing with his back to the wall and a crayon in his hand...

Me: Why are you standing like that?

Jed: Comfortable.

Me: I think you should move...

Jed: Naahhhhh, don't think so.

Me: picks Jed up and moves him outta the way to find "Jed" written like 30 times all over the wall. I'm already angry Jed. You should be terrified of me at the moment and then you go and do this?

Jed: Mum, you're just not scary when you're mad!

My God, I can't even scare a 4 year old. What hope is there for me?

I know it's been a while...

2008-03-17T16:24:00.004+11:00

But I've been both pretty down and pretty busy and find it hard to blog in that frame of mind, but on the weekend Jed made me laugh so hard I just had to post it....

The other night I put Jed to bed and 5 minutes later he comes out

Jed: "Mum, I'm thirsty"

... so I go into the kitchen, turn the light on and see a huuuuuge mother of a cockroach. I grab a shoe and try to squash it... I missed and it ran into a little hole in the wall.

Me: mutters "bastard"

I drop the shoe and open the fridge...

at the other end of the wall there is another little hole (matches the hole the cockroach ran into) so Jed grabs the shoe and waits at the second hole

Jed: "It might come out this hole"

Me: "Yes, it could".

Jed: "Don't worry mum... I'll kill the bastard".

Jed's on Fire...

2008-02-11T15:55:00.000+11:00

Jed’s come out with a couple of corkers lately and here’s two from last night…

He was lying in bed with me watching the cricket…

Jed: Mum, can I sleep in here all night tonight?

Me: No you can’t, honey. You have your own bed and it’ll get lonely if you don’t sleep in it.

Jed: Well then, YOU sleep in it tonight and keep it company!

Let me tell ya… It was never going to happen.

So I put the little bugger into bed and was reading “Cars” to him. I was reading the story and he was looking at the pictures when he pointed to a framed newspaper article in the background of the picture, shook his head, tut-tutted and said “oh, the big wreck of ‘54”... like he was there... remembered it all... and it was painful!

Okay, so I've been away a while...

2008-01-31T12:43:00.000+11:00

We all had an enjoyable festive season and everyone is well. Not a lot has been happening of late so I really haven’t had anything to write about.

Here’s a couple of recent kidlet related events…

Jed got an army set (don't go getting all "anti guns" on me) which includes the little moulded soldiers diligently aiming their rifles.. a jeep... a tent... a motorbike... and a huge mother of a cannon... anyway... Jed, Grace and I were playing last night... I've got my little soldier pointed at our invisible enemy, making my best machine gun noises when Jed started explaining the tent to me...

Jed: The tent's where the soldiers go to have their hot cocoa... because it gets very cold fighting here in the South Pole.

Me: The South Pole? Who are we fighting?

Jed: A big sea monster

Me: Then shouldn't we be quiet and watch and wait for the sea monster to show up?

Jed: No. Fire at will!

Me: But won't that scare off the sea monster?

Grace: Naaaahhhhh. He'll think we're shooting at vampires!

I didn't realise vampires were such a problem at the south pole!

I was doing some gardening and up the back of the yard (you know that corner you just won't go into because of what is possibly/probably living in there?) I found one of the dog's old water buckets and it was full of empty snail shells (they'd obviously tried to shelter in there at some stage) so I pulled it out and put it in the rubbish pile... anyway... Grace comes out, looks in the bucket and...

Grace: Oh Mum... Look at all these snail shells. I'm going to start a snail shell collection.

Me: Fantastic Honey... but what are you going to do with all of these snail shells?

Grace: I'm gonna find some slugs and give 'em homes!

Is Santa Real?

2007-12-11T09:45:00.000+11:00

Yesterday Grace was told that Santa isn’t real and that her parents buy the presents and say they are from Santa. So I was asked the question… Is Santa real?

I’ve always taught my kids that honesty is the best policy. Everything will be okay if you just tell the truth. So I did what I thought best… I looked her straight in the eye and lied!!!

Ears

2007-12-10T10:54:00.000+11:00

Last night Grace lifted quite a heavy box and put it away…

Grace: I’m very strong Mum.

Me: Yes honey, you are.

Grace: But my ears aren’t very strong. They were only made for holding pencils, weren’t they?

Me: Oh, not really. They can hold your glasses on your head, they can hold the hair out of your eyes and best of all, they let you hear!

Grace: Gee, ears a little more useful than I thought!

Geez, its been a while…

2007-12-05T22:13:00.000+11:00

Grace...

Grace auditioned Casula Idol (schools version of Australian Idol). I got a big 2 days notice and asked her what song she wanted to sing. She picked Soak up the Sun by Cheryl Crow. So we’re frantically trying to learn the damn song and tensions were high. At one point she put her little hands on her hips and said …“You know Mum, I can just cancel the whole thing!” We managed to get through the ordeal reasonably unscathed.

During her audition, she got a little bit of stage fright and mixed up a few of her words. She was a bit upset and the “powers that be” said she could have a 2nd chance, but unfortunately that “chance” never eventuated. I’m proud of her for getting up in front of all those people and singing her little heart out!

Jed...

Jed, Jed, how do you solve a problem like Jed?

He’s such a funny bugger. Earlier this evening he ran straight into the wall. “Jed, are you alright?” I asked, terribly concerned. He put the back of his hand on his forehead and with great drama declared “I’ll never play the armpit again!” before looking at me with great disdain and leaving the room. I don’t know where the hell that came from but it had me in hysterics.

He’s preparing for school. He’s been to orientation and to a “play day” where they spend an hour visiting classes and partaking in a few activities. He’s very excited about big school.

Me...

Church! I don’t like church. I’ve just started going back and I gotta tell you, it’s the longest damn hour of my life. I walk in, reasonably happy and then I get told I’m going to hell (no longer so happy). Not long after, a guy comes round with a dish and I get to pay for the privilege of being called a sinner!

Is this meant to make me realise the error of my ways and become a better person? I’m not a bad person. I think I obey most of the 10 commandments (I can’t actually remember them all)… I don’t commit murder, I don’t commit adultery, I don’t steal, I honour my father and my mother (shut up Mum)… okay, so that one’s a little iffy… I don’t covet my neighbours wife (although if she wasn’t so ugly, who knows?)… okay, okay, I’m getting the point I’m not such a good person but still… maybe a little encouragement?

My Undeniably Better Half...

…ahhhh, nothing ever changes.

Not a lot happening of late…

2007-11-19T15:55:00.000+11:00

Really haven’t had anything to blog of late…

1. The guy I had the car accident with was found dead in his bed last week… I should’ve held off paying that bill!

2. Grace lost another tooth, lost said tooth, but found $2 on the floor… She figured the tooth fairy must have found her tooth and left the money on the carpet where the tooth was “discovered”.

3. New kitchen had a leak. Found leak. Fixed leak.

I think that just about covers everything… we’re certainly a boring bunch!

Has Mum lost her mind… like Grandpa lost his hand???

2007-10-29T14:23:00.000+11:00

When Grandma died recently, Aunty Lorraine and Uncle Barry inherited Grandma and Grandpa’s old bed. One day Aunty Lorraine noticed a handprint on the bed and called mum.

Aunty Lorraine: I’ve found a skeletal handprint on the bed head…

Mum: Which side of the bed?

Aunty Lorraine: Looking at the bed from the foot, the left hand side.

Mum: That was Dad’s side of the bed. Which hand is the print of?

Aunty Lorraine: Left hand

Mum: Oh my, that’s the hand dad severed over 50 years ago!

I personally think she’s looking into it a little too much… what do you think???

The Tooth Fairy Strikes Again…

2007-10-28T13:50:00.000+11:00

Or more to the point… doesn’t.

Grace lost another tooth yesterday. This morning everybody’s getting ready to go out when I remembered I was meant to play tooth fairy. Grace hadn’t mentioned the tooth fairy’s lack of appearance, so I thought she must have forgotten and quickly replaced the tooth with money while she wasn’t looking.

15 minutes later she finds the tooth missing and money in its place.

Grace: Mum, the Tooth Fairy came

Me: That’s lovely honey… she finally remembered to make an appearance?

Grace: She hadn’t been when I got up this morning.

Me: (damn, she did check)… oh well, she must have been running late!

Anyone would think I graduated from the Britney Spears School of Parenting!

Mum always said... Don't play ball in the house

2007-10-24T12:44:00.000+10:00

…I’m sure you remember that infamous line from The Brady Bunch and in this instance there was no broken Ming Dynasty vase… it was much, much worse!

Grace has one of those balls you can get for $2.99 at any service station that are slightly smaller than a soccer ball, made of a thin plastic and pumped up to within an inch of its life.

Last night as I was clearing away the dinner dishes, Grace was bouncing said ball in the kitchen.

Me: Grace, go and put the ball away.

Grace: It’s alright, I’ll be careful

Me: I know you’ll be careful, but we all know accidents happen. Please put the ball away.

Now, as her “last great act of defiance” before doing as she was told, she gave the ball a swift kick. The ball bounced off the kitchen window into an oil laden pan on the stove, bounced out of the pan and proceeded to bounce like a pinball (I swear at one point it actually increased momentum) off every wall and piece of furniture in the room smearing oil everywhere.

Needless to say, the rest of my evening was spent with the children playing a rousing game of “spot the splotch”.

Every ball in our house has now been slashed to ribbons and the only balls the kids are allowed to play with are cubes!

Where’s my yellow car?

2007-10-16T13:14:00.000+10:00

Michael bought Jed a packet of 4 cars from the movie Cars and Jed had left three of them sitting in the hallway while he was playing in his room.

Michael: Put these cars away before I throw them in the bin! (kicks cars out of the way).

Jed: (comes out of his room and sees the three cars) Where’s my yellow car? Did you throw my yellow car in the bin?

Michael: No. I didn’t throw your yellow car in the bin.

Jed: Yes you did! (starts rummaging through the kitchen tidy without success) Where’s my yellow car?

Michael: Which one? The one you have in your hand?

Jed: (checks left hand) Yep, that’s the one!

My life is all but over…

2007-10-10T09:32:00.000+10:00

It happened… I can’t believe it happened.

Last night I was singing along with the radio…

Grace : You have a beautiful voice

Me: Thank you, but I know I have a terrible voice. (I’ve heard cats fight with more harmony than I can muster).

Grace: I bet you had a beautiful voice in the “olden days”

The olden days? The fucking olden days?

Just smother me with a pillow now!!!

Dodgiest Tooth Fairy in the World

2007-10-09T10:11:00.000+10:00

Okay, so I'm in line for the World's Worst Mother Award.

Late last week Grace lost a tooth and then misplaced said tooth. She wrote a note to the tooth fairy in the hope she would be forgiven for losing her tooth. Anyway, I fell asleep and Grace was up at some ridiculous hour of the morning to check whether or not the tooth fairy had been. The tooth fairy hadn't!

In an attempt to fool myself into thinking I didn't forget... I suggested that maybe the tooth fairy can't read... maybe the tooth fairy won't pay for "lost teeth". I couldn't find the note she'd written and nothing more was said or done about it.

Last night I found the letter...

Translation: Tooth Fairy, I accidentally lost my tooth on the floor and I hope you can read. I hope you will still give me money if I find it. Don't worry at all, you don't have to give me money.

Love Grace B

To: Tooth Fairy, you are beautiful

To say I felt 2 inches tall is being generous. I got out her first lost tooth (as mother's keep those types of things) and told her I found her tooth. We put it in a glass and lo and behold... the tooth fairy made an appearance last night and left Grace a shiny gold coin.

Racer, you're right... dodgiest tooth fairy in the world!!!!

An artist should sign their work... or should they?

2007-09-18T16:16:00.000+10:00

We’re in the middle of a kitchen renovation and for the last fortnight our dining table has resided in the lounge room.

Late last week I returned the table to the kitchen and when I went back into the lounge room I noticed a beautiful piece of art on the wall under where the table had been.

Me: Jed… Did you do this?

Jed: No. Wasn’t me.

Me: Jeeeddd??

Jed: I didn’t do it. Really. Don’t you believe me?

Me: No. No, I don’t believe you.

Jed: I telling the truth.

Me: Jed, next time you’re going to lie… make sure you don’t sign your work!

There, in the middle of all the scribble was a big “Jed”

Out for a duck... or...

2007-09-13T14:24:00.000+10:00

Last night I turned the TV on to the 20twenty cricket match between Kenya and New Zealand. Kenya had just finished batting so they were displaying Kenya’s scorecard and I noticed the first four batsmen got 0…

Me: Michael, check this out… duck, duck, duck, duck

Jed: Goose!

Genital Obsession

2007-08-30T11:43:00.000+10:00

Last night Grace comes flying into the lounge room crying and yelling “Jed punched me in the mouth…”

Michael gave her a cuddle, called Jed into the room and the conversation went something like this…

Michael: Jed, what did you do to Grace?

Jed: Grace…

Michael: I don’t want to hear what Grace did. What did you do to Grace?

Jed: But…

Michael: No buts… did you hurt Grace?

Jed: Yes. I punched her in the face.

Michael: Now Grace, why did Jed punch you in the face?

Grace: I don’t want to talk about it!

Jed: She kicked me in the doodle!

Grace: He put his foot in my vagina first!

Can anybody tell me where I can buy steel underwear???

It was like watching a cartoon….

2007-08-28T13:41:00.001+10:00

On the weekend we were ripping the floor out of our kitchen. Once we ripped up the layer of masonite, there were all these little staples sticking out of the floorboards. As we’re tiling, we decided not to sit there and pull them all out, but instead we’d hammer them flat.

We could only manage to find two hammers and two steel mallets so Michael, myself, Grace and Jed all started hammering staples. At some stage I went to the toilet and when I came back Michael was not paying one iota of notice to the children so I stood watching from the doorway.

Jed had found this big motherfucker nail and also found a little hole in one of the floorboards. He decided this nail is going in that hole! So he stands the nail in the hole and hits it with his mallet. The nail fell over. He repositioned the nail and hit it again. Again, it fell over. Now Jed’s not silly, he calls out “Graaaaaaaaaace… hold this for me!” Grace diligently holds the nail in place and Jed picks up the mallet in both hands and swings it right back over his head in true cartoon style. It was at this point I thought I’d really better put a stop to this so I grabbed the mallet out of Jed’s hand just as he was starting his downswing.

I must say, I did really want to let them go and watch the outcome… but that’s probably bad parenting!

I got screwed!

2007-08-15T13:47:00.000+10:00

When Grandma died in February I ferreted through her costume jewellery and scored some amazing vintage pieces that will forever remain treasures to me.

There was also a lot of stuff I didn’t want to keep so took them to a vintage store to see how much I could get for them. There were 25 pieces (a pair of earrings = 1 piece, so does a pair of cufflinks) that the store was interested in and they offered me $250 for the lot.

I knew I was getting screwed but the saying “a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush” is one I practically live by so decided to accept the offer.

Yesterday I had to venture to the other end of the city for work and decided to pop into said store to see how badly I got screwed… I’d expected about a 300% mark up… but to my utter dismay all of my pieces were marked up between 500%-700%.

Well, by the time I left I realised I’d been screwed so badly that I think my arse was bleeding!

What starts in laughter... ends in tears...

2007-08-13T15:16:00.000+10:00

My brother, Racer, and his mate Jeff coach the Brighton Seagulls Under 17’s rugby league team.

Yesterday I ventured out to Hurstville Oval to see my brother’s boys face off against Renown United in the Grand Final. Unfortunately for Brighton, Renown managed to run away with the prize after a hard fought 16 – 10 victory.

To Racer, Jeff and boys… commiserations! Just remember there’s always next year.

To Renown… a begrudging congratulations on the victory.

I swear it was his fault…

2007-07-31T10:12:00.000+10:00

I had a little car accident on Saturday night. I was reversing out of the BP car park, I looked behind me… all clear… I started to reverse while checking over my other shoulder, I turned back just in time to see myself hit another car. Where the hell did he come from???

Now, I say it’s his fault because I am a woman and I was reversing. If you see a woman reversing… do you approach her vehicle? NO!!! No, you don’t! It’s on the damn L’s test for the love of God! You use every alarm available to warn innocent passers by of imminent danger and you get the fuck outta there! You do not try to park in the parking spot beside the one she’s trying to exit.

Dad… shut up!!!

As long as I say please... I get whatever I want!

2007-07-23T13:10:00.000+10:00

At the dinner table last night Jed asked Michael for another drink. Michael responded with… “not until you’ve finished your dinner”. Michael then left the table and as soon as he was out of the room….

Jed: Mummy, may I please have another drink?

Me: No you can’t.

Jed: (in biggest whingy voice)… but I used my good manners!!!!

Our Trip to the Big Smoke…

2007-07-16T13:10:00.001+10:00

Friday was the last day of the school holidays so the kids and I headed out early and caught a train to the city. We had an action packed day.

First we went into the office so the kids could see where I work, then we wandered around the Botanical Gardens. In the gardens there were three statues… a male named Winter and two females named Spring and Autumn as well as an empty pillar. Grace insisted that we go and find Summer. Wandering aimlessly around the gardens (I knew we weren’t going to find Summer due to the empty pillar) we bumped into an official type person and asked “Where’s Summer?” Much to Grace’s disappointment, he responded with “Summer’s been nicked!” Our search for Summer was brought to an abrupt halt so we walked down to Mrs Macquarie’s chair, then around the Opera House and back up to Circular Quay Station.

We hopped on a bus to Queen Victoria building and then caught the monorail over to Darling Harbour. The kids played in the big playground until they saw the bungee jump trampolines… needless to say the kids bungee-trampolined, then they went rock climbing. They both suck at rock climbing and I just live in hope that I never find myself in trouble on the side of a mountain with those two! We played arcade machines and found out Jed is really quite good with a gun… I’m a little worried I have to learn to sleep with one eye open now.

We then dragged our sorry arses (Jed on my shoulders) up to Macca’s on George Street to have some lunch. By now I was buggered… so we hopped a train back home. On the train I ran into Yogi. Yogi hands out the free MX Newspaper at the station every day. Yogi took a photo of us on the train and emailed it to me. This is our only photographic record of our excursion.

Happy Birthday Grace

2007-07-11T10:38:00.000+10:00

Well, my little girl ain’t so little anymore. 6 years old today!!!

We had a birthday party for Grace and Jed last weekend… but as I am a bad mother, I had camera problems and didn’t get to take any photos. Andrew managed to get some with his mobile phone. When he sends them to me, I’ll post them!

Happy Birthday Jed!!!!

2007-07-01T15:25:00.000+10:00

Well, my baby turned 4 today... where has the time gone?

Happy Birthday Champ!

When I grow up...

2007-06-27T16:38:00.000+10:00

The other day Jed comes running out of his room with a pair of underpants on his head and announced to the world... "I'm gonna be an underwear model"!

Regular Visitors

2007-06-26T10:54:00.000+10:00

I’ve noticed I have a few regular international visitors. Drop me a line, say G’day and introduce yourself… direct me to your blog… Don’t be a stranger!

I've had enough!!!

2007-06-25T09:30:00.000+10:00

I love my footy.

I love watching these hulking warriors risking life and limb to defend their try line.

I love the creativity of the ball players.

I love to see big men’s bodies contort as they hit each other with the force of semi trailers in a head on collision and I’m never happier than when I get an impromptu glimpse of a well toned glute… but honestly… can we not do something about Nathan Hindmarsh’s rear cleavage? He’s now more recognisable by his “coin slot” than his face.

Seeing an arse you can crack walnuts on and seeing a crack you can put walnuts in are completely different things. It’s the 21st century, surely someone can come up with a strategy to keep Hindmarsh’s heinie hidden.

Child abuse in remote NT communities is a national crisis? I think not… Nathan’s shorts should get the full and prompt attention of the Prime Minister!

She's got your number

2007-06-21T09:40:00.001+10:00

Last night the kids were being a little boisterous so Michael started the count (when he gets to three, the shit hits the fan)...

ONE...

Jed runs off up the hall to avoid trouble...

TWO...

Grace runs up the hall after Jed screaming out..."JEEEEDDDDD.... HE NEVER GETS TO THREE!!!!"

Responsibility

2007-06-21T09:40:00.000+10:00

On Sunday night while I was doing the dishes I noticed pink paint all over one of the cupboards (we had a little art time during the day).

Jed was hovering around, so I asked him... Who got pink paint all over my cupboard?

His response was... "it wasn't me... I am not responsible"... that sounds like guilt talking right there!!

Cake is dessert?

2007-06-07T15:45:00.000+10:00

Last night after dinner we had cake for my birthday and Jed had two pieces of a really rich Boston mud cake. About an hour after…

Jed : Can I have some dessert please?

Me: You already had dessert.

Jed: No I didn’t!

Me: You did! You had two pieces of cake.

Jed: That wasn’t dessert. That was dinner!

When did this happen?

2007-06-06T14:54:00.000+10:00

It's my birthday today so I did a little reflecting. You know you’re getting old when you…

· have to calculate your age by subtracting your birth year from the current year
· start conversations with your children that begin with “when I was your age…”
· eat bran to regulate your bowel movements
· wonder why the hell the kids in the city on skateboards aren’t at school
· take twice as long to look half as good
· see clothes you used to wear in the vintage clothing store
· are ready for bed by 10pm
· complain about the volume of iPods on public transport
· make noises when bending over or standing up
· increase your superannuation contributions
· have a cupboard full of heart-burn relievers and haemorrhoid creams
· drive at the speed limit
· wait for the little man to turn green before crossing the road

I don’t know when all of this started… when did I get old???

Defective Phrase Gene

2007-05-24T11:07:00.000+10:00

It seems Grace has inherited Michael’s defective phrase gene.

For anyone not aware, Michael has a problem with nursery rhymes (ring a ring a rosie, Mary popped a posie) and phrases (one night when unable to finish his meal he said “my eyes were bigger than my head”… rather than bigger than my stomach).

Last night Grace told me (after losing an argument with me) “It’s not whether you win or lose… as long as you race!!!”.

Such a clever boy

2007-05-23T11:03:00.000+10:00

This morning I was in the car waiting for the day care people to show up and (as sad as it is) was doing a sudoku puzzle.

Jed was pointing at each number and saying 7... 9... 2... 3. I told him he was very clever and went back to the puzzle. Again pointing at numbers "2... 8... 6"… but this time I wasn't paying attention so Jed says "Mummy, why aren't you clapping? I'm very good you know."

I’m afraid you don’t have that option…

2007-05-22T09:43:00.000+10:00

Apparently Jed got into a little trouble at day care yesterday. Michael was informed that Jed was placed on the “naughty chair” but did not get the full story. Over dinner we quizzed Jed about why he got in trouble.

Michael: You’ve already been in trouble, you won’t get in trouble again. Just tell me why you were put on the naughty chair.

Jed’s eyes started to water and his bottom lip quivered…

Jed: I don’t want to talk about it!

I can’t see through walls…

2007-05-15T09:38:00.000+10:00

Grace and I were in the kitchen the other day when there was a huge BANG emanating from my bedroom.

Grace: What was that?

Me: I don’t know. I can’t see through walls.

Grace: I thought you could… you yell at me through walls!

The Claw Machine

2007-04-16T16:03:00.000+10:00

The other day the four of us went out for breakfast and wanting a little peace, I gave the kids a couple of dollars each to play the arcade machines. A couple of minutes later Grace comes back with a stuffed dragon that she’d won from the claw machine or as she calls it “The Crane”.

I was pretty impressed with her dexterity and asked, “how did you win that?” to which she responded… “I closed my eyes and I be’d the crane”.

Where the hell did she pick up that philosophical bullshit… It certainly wasn’t from us!!

Liar, liar pants on fire!

2007-03-27T09:48:00.000+10:00

Yesterday morning after I got out of the shower I found Jed in the lounge room with the peanut butter sitting in the middle of the floor and his jumper covered in peanut butter.

Me: Have you been eating the peanut butter?

Jed: No!

Me: What’s that all over your jumper?

Jed: wiping at his jumper That’s just a little bit of dust!

Do we need a colourful bus?

2007-03-24T09:39:00.000+11:00

Grace told me that our family will be starting a band. Michael will play the guitar (because he can), Grace and Jed will play the saxophone (even though they can’t) and I will play the triangle (couldn’t ask for more status than that).

I asked Grace if we need a big colourful bus and an agent called Rubin. She looked at me with a completely bemused expression… I guess she’s a little young for that!

He did what???

2007-03-13T16:30:00.000+11:00

Last night I put both Grace and Jed in the bath and went out to the kitchen to do the dishes.

Bellowing from one room to another:

Grace: MMMMMUUUUUUUUUUUUM

Me: I’M BUSY

Pause

Grace: JED’S TOUCHING MY RUDE BITS!!!

My legs were but a blur on the sprint to the bathroom… apparently I wasn't so busy after all.

What drugs are these people smoking???

2007-03-06T16:29:00.000+11:00

I received a call from Grace’s school at about 10.00am this morning…

“Shelley, we have Grace in the office. She has wet her pants and her uniform is also quite wet. We do have spare undies and uniforms. Would you like us to change her?”

I felt like saying… Nah, that won’t be necessary. Just let her smell like stale piss all day. I’m sure she’ll be fine. Of course I want her bleedin’ well changed! What the hell are they thinking?

Rest In Peace - Evelyn Mary Wylie

2007-02-11T16:20:00.000+11:00

22 August 1913 – 11 February 2007

What made Grandma special to me...

It was her love and concern for others. I was with her not long before she passed away, she was having trouble breathing and yet she still managed to ask about the kids and also tell me she has always been proud of me.

It was her strength and spirit. At the age of 93 not only did she live alone with very little assistance but she was also active in the Senior Citizens dedicating her time and energy to others.

It was her vanity. She wouldn’t leave the house unless she was properly coiffed, made up and polished. Even in the hospital, wearing a mask to assist her breathing, she refused to take out her teeth.

It was her cooking. She could cook a baked dinner that would bring tears to your tastebuds and an awesome Christmas pudding complete with threepences that thankfully lives on through mum.

It was her scent. Whenever I was hurt or upset she’d give me one of those hugs only a grandma can give and the sweet fragrance seemed to envelop me along with her arms.

Grandma, you'll be thought of often and always with love. We miss you!

Bloody Advertising on Kids TV...

2007-02-06T14:57:00.000+11:00

On the weekend I was doing some filing (yes, me, filing) when Jed came out to the office and informed me...

"We need to go to cartoon network dot com dot au for details". Now as far as Jed's concerned details are what is at de back of de cats and de dogs. Anyway, he looks at the computer keyboard and says "U" and pushed the U key and then looks at me very perplexed and asked "where's dot com?"

I responded with "next to the any key".

At this point he gave up and left.

A Close Shave

2007-01-30T16:28:00.000+11:00

Last night Jed comes running into the kitchen with blood pissing out of his lip screaming “I bleeding… I bleeding”. I cleaned the blood away with a tissue to find a couple of cuts on his lip.

Me: What did you put in your mouth?

Jed: I can’t know!

Me: You’re not in trouble. What did you put in your mouth?

Jed: I can’t know!

Grace: (screaming and running through the house)… DAAAAAAAAD…. JED’S BLEEDING!!!!!

Michael: (walks into the room) Give me a look.

Me: (removing tissue) He won’t tell me what he put in his mouth.

Michael: Have you been shaving?

Jed: Yes!

The little bugger managed to find a razor in the garbage bin and decided to shave his moustache-type area. He mangled his top lip and managed to remove quite a few layers of skin from under his nose. I don’t think he’ll be trying that again in a hurry.

You can't make me... I'm allergic!

2007-01-29T16:44:00.000+11:00

Last night we had steak and salad for dinner. The conversation went something like this…

Me (to Jed): Eat your salad

Jed: I can’t. I’m allergic to salad.

Me: You are not. I’ll tell you what you’re allergic to… and you’re allergic to nothing (big gulp of water)

Grace: Yes he is! He’s allergic to work!

Needless to say, water exited my nose at a rate of knots and ruined everyone’s dinner! She must have heard someone say that in the past!

No, I didn't die...

2007-01-22T16:50:00.000+11:00

Okay, so it’s been some time since I’ve blogged. I hope my loyal reader hasn’t missed me too much.

We had a great Christmas and Santa was very generous to all. Grace did enquire as to why Santa had exactly the same wrapping paper as us… so it was explained that Santa had run out of wrapping paper and had to wrap the pressies when he got to our place. This seemed to placate her.

I had four weeks off work to spend with the kids and lo and behold… I found out I actually like my children! Who’d have thought it? We didn’t get up to too much over the holidays but we did see Happy Feet, went to Featherdale Wildlife Park, ten pin bowling and Mum took me and the kids to see a musical theatre production of Peter Pan (which was just awesome) while Dad and Michael played a round of golf (and Michael ended up swimming in the lake in search of his ball). We also spent a couple of days with Michael’s family at Foster.

Grace lost another tooth and our stupid tooth fairy fucked up the transaction again (paid the cash and forgot to take the tooth… so another visit the following night was warranted). I think I’m going to have to write to the Head Tooth Fairy and complain about the quality of work in our area.

Other than that… pretty quiet on the home front.

Santa Clause is already in town?

2006-12-12T14:39:00.000+11:00

Yesterday Jed’s day care teacher, Manuel, dressed up as Santa Clause for all the day care kids. He was very careful in trying to trick the kids. He pulled his Santa hat down over most of his face and combined with the beard, he really couldn’t be seen. He also wore gloves so the kids couldn’t see his hands.

He entered the day care centre with a jolly “HO, HO, HO, Merry Christmas”. Jed went straight up to Santa, pulled on his sleeve and asked… “Santa… Why are you wearing Manuel’s shoes?”

I tell you… they’re not easy to trick!

Sleepwalking is a messy business

2006-12-06T09:44:00.000+11:00

Some time ago I wrote about Grace sleepwalking and nearly weeing in the fire place… on the weekend, it was Jed’s turn.

He was having a midday nap on the lounge room floor (I leave ‘em where they fall) so decided I’d lie in bed and watch some of the cricket. About half an hour later, Jed walks to his bedroom door (I can see him from the comfort of my bed), pulls out his willy and weed straight onto his carpet.

“HEY, HEY, HEY…” I screamed… Jed then woke up from his slumber, went to the toilet and finished the job.

The problems with vanity

2006-11-29T12:01:00.000+11:00

We had some friends visit from Queensland on the weekend and they gave Grace some fake finger nails. The glue was completely dried up and the nails waaaaay too big.

So Monday night I convinced Grace to wait until Tuesday night and I would try to get her some more nails. Well, I couldn't find any and she just HAD TO HAVE THEM put on. I got out my nail glue (stronger than damn super glue) and put just the thumb nails on (I knew she wouldn't be able to cope will all nails).

Delighted with her new nails... she went to her room to play and from her room came a blood curdling scream... I went to investigate and she's on the floor sobbing uncontrollably and finally spits out "I can't suck my thumb anymore".

The Tooth Fairy needs a new map…

2006-11-27T14:02:00.000+11:00

It appears I’m driving my children unlicensed again!

On Saturday Grace lost her 2nd tooth… she put said tooth into a glass of water beside her bed and when she got up in the morning… it was still there!!!

Trying to hide my guilt, I explained that the Tooth Fairy must have had many collections that evening and as she knew Grace was having some friends over on Sunday, she thought Grace might like to show her friends her tooth before taking it away. Grace was pretty happy with this answer until… her friends couldn’t make it to our place!

Well, the Tooth Fairy must have come last night because the tooth was gone and there was a shiny gold coin in its place!

Lazy as a MacDonald

2006-11-22T15:20:00.000+11:00

If you looked up “lazy” in the dictionary, you would find a picture of the MacDonald family (me, dad and Racer)

I was talking to the kids and mentioned something about Grandpa’s surname being “MacDonald”.

Jed said, “I a MacDonald too”. I then informed him that he isn’t a MacDonald, as MacDonald is not his last name, to which he responded, “but I heard you tell someone I was a MacDonald because I’m soooooo lazy”.

It’s in here somewhere

2006-11-16T13:27:00.000+11:00

Grace’s homework is a “home reader”. It’s just a little book they need to read to their parents and we then sign a sheet and send it back to school.

Last night Grace was reading her home reader and got to a word she didn’t recognise, so she looked up at the ceiling. I said, “the ceiling isn’t going to give you the answer, look at the word”. Her response… “I’m looking inside my brain for the answer.”

Last night’s dinner conversation…

2006-11-15T16:28:00.000+11:00

Jed: *having a coughing fit*
Me: You okay, Sweetie?
Grace: You love Jed more than me!
Me: Why? Because I asked him if he was okay in the middle of a coughing fit?
Grace: Well, you look after him better than me!
Me: Again, because I asked him if he was okay?
Grace: *realising she wasn’t going to win*… No, you don’t understand, I’m trying to tell you “good job”.

I somehow don't think that was her first thought!

You’ve just gotta love ‘em

2006-11-14T13:33:00.000+11:00

This morning before work, Grace was shoving something into my pocket. “What’s that?” I asked. She said, “It’s for when you miss me today.”

Not because I clothe her, feed her and tend to her every whim… but because I’m pretty (prity).

I asked her, “How do you know how to spell ‘because’?” She said…

Boys
Eat
Crunchy
Apples
Under
Shady
Elephants

He’s his father’s son

2006-11-09T09:45:00.000+11:00

Mum, as you’re the only one who reads this bloody thing, I’m reverting to real names.

Last night Michael was playing with the kids when Jed left the room and returned with a basket of toys. Michael said, “the game stops until you put those away”. Jed turned straight to Grace and said “put the basket away Gacie”.

I looked at Michael and said, “he’s your son… he’s a delegator”.

I really should move more...

2006-11-02T11:51:00.000+11:00

We took the kids ten pin bowling (the natural enemy of the acrylic nail) on the weekend.

I’m not proud to say that my 5 year old daughter and my 3 year old son, both smashed me!!!

Another admission of which I am not proud, is you know you’re in some really terrible shape when you get sore from bowling and it takes 3 days to recover!

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again… I really should move more!

Just pay for it???

2006-10-26T14:12:00.000+10:00

The other day I handed Bonnie her library book and told her to put it into her school bag.

10 minutes later I was ready to leave the house and checked in Bonnie’s bag to make sure she had everything. Her library book was not in her bag.

Me: What did you do with your library book?
Bonnie: I can’t remember.
Me: It was only 10 minutes ago!
Bonnie: I can’t remember.
Me: Well, go and find it!

2 minutes later…

Bonnie: I can’t find it.
Me: Well, you have to find it. If you don’t find it, I have to pay to replace the book.

Bonnie and I searched for 5 frantic minutes…

Me: You’ve got to know where you put it!
Bonnie: I can’t remember.

I went off my tits…

Bonnie: screaming… Just pay for it!!!
Me: JUST PAY FOR IT? JUST PAY FOR IT? Do you know how long it takes me to earn $10???

Okay, its not long… but don’t tell her that!

Footy or Boxing?

2006-10-23T10:46:00.000+10:00

Clyde was talking to Napoleon about playing football (rugby league) the other day when Napoleon stupidly told him that Uncle Racer started playing football when he was 4.

Clyde: I’m nearly 4. I want to play now!
Napoleon: What do you do when you’re on the field?
Clyde: Throw them to the ground and then PUNCH ‘em in the face!

I think it’ll be some time before young Clyde straps on a boot!

How to: Get a life by Bill Gates

2006-10-19T09:56:00.000+10:00

I received this email yesterday... It is going to by Bonnie and Clyde's new bedtime story

Love him or hate him, he sure hits the nail on the head with this! To anyone with kids of any age, here's some advice.

Bill Gates recently gave a speech at a High School about 11 things they did not and will not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.

Rule 1: Life is not fair - get used to it!

Rule 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.

Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.

Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: they called it opportunity.

Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.

Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Old Timers

2006-10-16T10:52:00.000+10:00

I normally blog about my kids, but really my folks do much sillier things.

The other day my mum walked into the bathroom and dad was rubbing some ointment into his forehead and holding tube of said ointment in his other hand…

Mum: What ARE you doing?
Dad: What? This is the ointment the Dr prescribed for (insert today’s problem here).
Mum: You poor fool! That’s my lip balm. How long have you been rubbing that into your forehead?
Dad: Oh… about a month!

If nothing else, at least now dad has a very kissable forehead!

Dumbfounded

2006-10-12T11:24:00.000+10:00

Eating dinner last night, out of the blue Bonnie says “Girls have three holes in them…”

I thought, she can’t possibly be going where I think she is, but alas, she was.

“...one for wee, one for poo and one for babies!”

For the first time in my life, I was speechless!

G’day Mate…r

2006-10-09T10:06:00.000+10:00

Bonnie has given Clyde a new nickname… “Mater”.

Me: Why are you calling Clyde, Mater?
Bonnie: Because he looks like Mater.
Me: He does not look like Mater.
Bonnie: Yes he does… look at his teeth.

Can you see the resemblance?

Not a lot...

2006-10-08T09:52:00.000+10:00

Mum’s giving me a hard time because I haven’t blogged in a while but not a lot has happened in the past week or so.

Clyde managed to fall into the pool… but Napoleon was handy and there was no danger but it still gave me a fright.

Bonnie went on an excursion to Centrepoint Tower. She really didn’t want to go because she was worried she would fall out of the “tallest building in the southern hemisphere” but she did end up going and had a ball.

Apologise for what?

2006-09-27T09:38:00.000+10:00

Last night I was greeted at the front door on my arrival home by Clyde…

Clyde: Say sorry for being rude to me!
Me: I wasn’t rude to you.
Clyde: Yes you were.
Me: When?
Clyde: This morning when I wouldn’t put my cars away after you’d asked 3 times!

Bonnie's First Tooth

2006-09-23T22:08:00.000+10:00

Today, after many many days of wiggling... Bonnie lost her first tooth

Photo coming soon

I missed her moment

2006-09-22T03:54:00.000+10:00

Today was Bonnie’s sports day at school for kindergarten to Year 2 scheduled for 9.30am to 1.30pm. Bonnie, being my daughter, I assumed she’d have as much athletic ability as a three toed sloth after half a case of beer. With this in mind, housework beckoning and the fact it was like 50°C outside I decided not to go. When I collected her from school, she was so excited and she was talking 18 to the dozen and finally spat out that she won her race. She must be Napoleon’s daughter!!! And I missed her moment!

Me: Do you know how far you ran?
Bonnie: Yes
Me: How far?
Bonnie: Past the judges!

Sorry sweetie, now I know you can run… I’ll come to the next one.

7 Year Itch?

2006-09-19T10:00:00.000+10:00

This time 7 years ago I was walking down the aisle and preparing to say “I do”. Does the “7 year itch” start now?

Happy Anniversary Napoleon!

Teachers have first names?

2006-09-18T11:44:00.000+10:00

Bonnie’s class recently found out that their teacher has a first name. When this amazing fact came to light, Mrs Cooper addressed the class and told them that Mr Cooper doesn’t call her Mrs Cooper at home and yes, her name is Karen. She then reinforced that she is their teacher and they are to call her Mrs Cooper and under NO circumstances are they to call her Karen.

With that out of the way, work needed to be done so Mrs Cooper starts handing out papers to all the students. She puts one on Bonnie’s desk, Bonnie looks Mrs Cooper in the face, winks at her and says “thanks Karen”.

How much is the tooth fairy paying these days?

2006-09-14T10:57:00.000+10:00

Bonnie has her first loose tooth and the other night she stood in front of the mirror for two hours wiggling the bloody thing.

I offered to put some string around it and tie it to the door handle, but she was unimpressed with that thought. She was also unimpressed when I offered to punch her in the mouth (some kids are just never happy). So I guess I’ll just have to let nature take it course!

What is love?

2006-09-12T10:32:00.000+10:00

This morning the kids were watching Hi-5 and Bonnie pointed out Charlie was wearing a belt buckle that said “LOVE”. Bonnie then asked me, “Do you know what love is made out of?”… “No honey, I don’t. What is love made out of?” Her answer… "molten rocks!"

Well, I laughed so hard I nearly hurt myself…. “Darling, love sometimes feels like that… but I think you’re talking about LAVA.”

2006 School Photos

2006-09-11T13:24:00.000+10:00

I now have both Bonnie and Clyde's school photos for this year...

Bonnie

Clyde

My version of tidy?

2006-09-04T14:00:00.000+10:00

I remember as a kid my mum would tell me to tidy my room and when I told her it was already done, she’d ask… “your tidy, or my tidy?” I used to think… tidy is tidy! Yesterday, I finally understood the varying degrees of tidy.

I asked Bonnie to go and tidy up her room. “It’s tidy” she said. I looked up the hallway and could only see her doorway and could already tell the room was a mess, “it’s a pigsty, I can see it from here” I informed her. Her response…. “But I cleared a path to the bed!”

Mum… Stop laughing at me!

Who broke the toilet seat?

2006-08-31T13:13:00.000+10:00

Clyde has just been toilet trained and to flush the toilet he needs to stand on the seat to reach the button. During a recent expedition to climb to the top of the bowl, he managed to break one of the plastic bolts which hold the toilet seat in place. There’s still one bolt in tact so the seat sort of swivels around a bit.

This morning when I was getting him ready for day care, I took his pj top off and it got wedged on his head (like everything without buttons does). When I finally removed it from his massive skull, I said “gee, you have a big head”, to which he responded, “yes, like daddy’s big head. Daddy has a big bottom too and he broke the toilet seat!”

Talk about palming off the blame!

Where’s my EH????

2006-08-29T15:36:00.000+10:00

The first time I heard it was when Napoleon was yelling it at some guy he caught breaking into his car about a month after his EH Holden had been stolen… punch… WHERE…punch… IS… punch… MY… punch… EH punch, punch, punch, punch, punch???

Yesterday it was Clyde! He’d lost his little matchbox EH and absolutely tore the house apart looking for it. Definitely his father’s son!

Another magic JinkyArt masterpiece!