Today’s Dickheads…

1. Craig Bellamy – No explanation required.

2. Mal Brown – For referring to Aborigines’ as “cannibals” and claiming it was all in good fun!

3. Senator Steve Fielding – For suggesting women will fall pregnant and have abortions late in the pregnancy just to get a couple of months paid parental leave.

Thank you gentlemen for making me feel like a Rhodes Scholar!

Neutered?

Jed was watching the Simpsons (I know... good mothering) and heard the word "neutered". The conversation went something like this.

Jed: Neutered? Is that where they cut off your rude bits?

Me: The penis stays, the balls get cut off.

Jed: I wouldn't be able to wee.

Me: Are you listening? The penis stays, the balls go.

Jed: BUT I LIKE PLAYING WITH MY BALLS!

Me: I know mate. But don't worry, it's not likely you will ever be neutered!

Make me feel like a criminal

7.00am Saturday driving along Newbridge Road taking Jed to tee-ball... I get the quick burst of siren... look in my rear vision mirror and see the red and blue flashing lights. Now given, I'm not the brightest crayon in the box, I think I'll get out of his way so he can get to who he is upset with. So I move one lane left...so does he. Shit...he's after me. I pull over. He pulls up behind me... takes a good 5 mins for him to get out of his car and approach me.

Cop: Can I see your licence please madam.

Me: hands over licence

Cop: Checks my licence, wanders round the front of the car and checks my rego.

Me: shitting myself cause I still don't know why I've been pulled over.

Cop: Was there some emergency reason you needed to be on the phone?

Me: trying to work out what he is talking about... the penny finally drops... he thinks I was on the mobile. I didn't, I wasn't, I wouldn't, I don't.

Cop: Can you please explain to me why your hand was near your face.

Me: I am drinking a coffee.

Cop: Had anything to drink this morning?

Me: Just my coffee. No, I haven't.

Cop: Count to 10 shoving breatho in my face

Me: 1... 2... 3... 4... 5.... 6.... BEEEEEEEEP

Cop: Okay. No alcohol. The car you were travelling behind, you were too close to. Are you aware of the 2 second rule....explains 2 second rule. I see you have the youngster in the back. I suggest you drive carefully.

Me: Thank you Sir. Merry Christmas

The bastard didn't crack a smile at all... he was filthy he couldn't fine me for something!

My new favourite pastime

Oh, I found my favourite thing in the world to do yesterday... threaten young boys with physical violence. I was walking back to my car in the car park and there's 2 boys (about 10 years old) with their hands cupped looking into my car....

Me: Don't touch my car

Boy 1: walking away.... "mumble, mumble..."

Me: If it doesn't belong to you, don't touch it.

So I put Jed in the car, got in the car myself and looked over at the boys. Boy 1 gives me the finger... so I got out of my car and started charging at them. They took off like a rocket. I felt strong. I felt powerful! I don't know what I would have done if they had've stood their ground... you can't go round beating up 10 year olds!

A joke made up by a 6-year-old

Last night Jed made up a joke…

Q: What has 4 legs and can swim?

A: A donkey wearing a hat.

Who the hell am I to argue with that???

She's her father's daughter

Yesterday Grace had her athletics carnival. Here’s her results…

Under 8’s Shot Put – 1st
Under 8’s Discus – 1st
Under 8’s 100m – 3rd
Under 8’s 200m – 3rd

She was too busy eating lunch to bother with the 800m.

What can I say… I’m so proud!!!!

What's this hole for?

This morning Jed popped his penis out of his pyjama fly. He thought he was so funny, laughing at himself... After he put it away

Me: That's what it's there for.

Jed: What?

Me: The hole. So you can go to the toilet.

Jed: I need to go to the toilet.

Me: You just want to use the hole!

Jed: No. For real. I need to go.

So off he trots to the toilet. I go into the bathroom (separate rooms) and he comes in to wash his hands...

Me: Did you use your hole?

Jed: Yep. It just sat there... I didn't even need to hold it... oh, that means I don't need to wash my hands

turns to leave bathroom...

Me: I don't care... you'll wash your hands anyway!